Disaster Burgers

This was my second attempt at making veggie burgers, and once again, I failed. This past winter I made lentil burgers, which, try as I might, would not stick together in workable patties. On Wednesday I bravely attempted a black bean and mushroom burger that adamantly refused to form any sort of patty shape, let alone that thick, meaty consistency that only restaurants seem to be able to create. Perhaps the most frustrating part of both these experiences is that I had to spend 45 minutes chopping the ingredients into the tiniest of pieces- so much toil for so little reward! My kitchen was a mess when I finished, I was literally starving, and my product was totally unsatisfying. Here's the kicker- I made a huge batch so that I would have a lot left over to freeze. Great, I still have EIGHT black bean crumble balls available for my use.

My ingredients:

1/3 cup uncooked brown rice
2 cans black beans
10 oz. white mushrooms, finely chopped
1 onion, finely chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 egg
1 tsp. cumin
1 tsp. paprika
Salt and black pepper to taste
and, at the last minute: cayenne and cheddar cheese (what?!)

I sauteed the onion in canola oil with the cumin and paprika for a couple minutes, then added the garlic. After another minute or so I added the mushrooms and cooked them until they released their juices (which is the coolest concept!) I ended up doing this in two batches because I have a ridiculously small frying pan, which probably added to my complete hysteria at the end of this experience.

Meanwhile, I had already cooked the brown rice in my rice cooker, and tried to mash it into the beans. I think ideally I was supposed to do this in a food processor (according to one of the recipes I looked at), so maybe that was part of the problem? Anyway, I just pounded the crap out of the beans for awhile, added the onion/mushroom mixture, and then continued to mash. I added salt and pepper, tasted it, added more, added cayenne, tasted it, gave up in frustration for a couple minutes, and then added an egg. At this point I was so hungry that I half-heartedly tossed a ball of the mixture onto the frying pan and tried to keep it contained in a patty-like shape while it cooked. After attempting to flip it a couple times I added some slices of cheddar, and then ate it with baked sweet potato and roasted kale. The meal itself tasted pretty good, but then again I was ravenous, so who really knows?

After eating, I went back to my bowl of veggie burger failure and added about a 1/4 cup of cheddar cheese (crumbled, for lack of grater). Then, I formed patties with the rest of the mixture and lined them on a greased baking sheet and baked them for 10 minutes at 375. I flipped them (I use this phrase liberally, since flipping the patties resulted in utter chaos on the baking sheet) and baked them a little longer. I wasn't really keeping track of time at this point because I was depressed, and still sort of hungry. My ultimate product looked okay- the patties almost kept their shape while I transferred them to tinfoil squares for wrapping and freezing. But, based on my previous experiences, I know they are bound to crumble at the first non-spatula touch, so I am bracing myself for several weeks of crumbly black bean concoctions.

Black bean burger salad: mixed with corn, edamame, grape tomatoes, and spinach with homemade balsamic vinaigrette. Delicious, but not exactly what I had envisioned for a veggie burger!

Growing up

Saturday I pulled myself out of bed at 6:15 to get ready for Westy's grandpa's funeral in Winchester, Virginia. It was a long drive, and there were four of us crammed in the back of Jamie's car, but we were happy to be together, and I felt oddly content as the hills rolled by us.

The church was catholic, and had beautiful stained glass windows and a cathedral ceiling. I was reminded of my own grandpa's funeral, and the things I missed about him. Hearing stories from Westy's mother and sisters about their "Pop" made me think about the way Grandpa laughed, and winked, and stood in the lawn smoking.

Grief is strange, and I rarely feel it now. I remember expecting to experience a couple weeks of intense pain, and being surprised by the way it lingered, and by the tears that would well up in my eyes unexpectedly because of a smell, or the way a blade of grass trembled in the evening sun. Being away from home forces me to push those moments away, because they're just too difficult to bear alone. On Saturday I let myself mourn a little bit again though, and it felt nice to miss him.

It made me remember how  I used to adore him, and my other grandparents, and how things are more complicated now. The way I interact with Grandma and Gamma is so different from how I interacted with them as a child, when spending time with them was such a treat. As I've gotten older I've had to grow accustomed to seeing them as real people instead of just grandmothers- now my time with them is permeated by all our imperfections.I wish I could somehow get back to my original, innocent perception of them, even if that seems a little dehumanizing. Or maybe I wish I could just accept Grandma and Gamma as I see them now, without it being a struggle to be kind. I want to to learn to miss them, so that when I come home I can love them as I should.

Rain, and White Bean Chili

When it rains here it's ferocious and fleeting; rarely that droopy, foggy-day rain that seems to characterize Ithaca. The storm today was a welcome break from the humid heat. I went and stood outside while it poured, breathing in 70-degree air for the first time in weeks.

When I got home I started on a soup I'd never made before: White Bean Chili. Here's my version of the recipe I found online:

Half an onion, chopped
1 clove garlic, minced
1 1/2 cups water
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp cumin
1/2 tsp chili powder
1/2 tsp pepper
8 oz chicken stock 
3 cans great northern beans
Half a package of frozen corn
1 can (4.5 oz) chopped green chiles
Half a lime
Cilantro
Cayenne pepper to taste

I sauteed the onions for a few minutes in some olive oil, and then added garlic. After letting the onions and garlic cook together for 2 minutes or so, I added the water and spices. I brought the pot to a boil, and then let it simmer for a little bit while I mashed up two cans of beans in the chicken stock- the recipe called for a blender, but alas, I am without mine! Mashing worked well, though; the soup had a great consistency at the end. I poured my bean/both mixture, the last can of beans, corn, and chiles into the pot and let the soup simmer for another 20 minutes before I tasted it and added some cayenne, which was just what it needed. After a few more minutes I squeezed half a lime into the chili, and stirred in some weird cilantro paste I bought because the grocery store had run out of fresh herbs (what? ugh I miss Wegmans). I ate the soup with brown rice and loved it! This recipe was enough for three meals for me; I froze one portion and will eat the other for lunch sometime in the next week. But what to do with all the extra chicken broth in my fridge... hmm.

Manager to Assistant

Working at Mimi's Attic seems like a distant memory now; it's hard to believe that I once was in charge of something so big, whether or not it was highly successful. I remember flitting around the store, dressed up and bossy, knowledgeable and sure of myself. I felt so empowered then- being given so much responsibility will do that to you, I guess.

The transition to being an assistant has been harder than I imagined it would be. I never really thought too much about that concept when I was getting ready to move, but it has been a huge struggle for me. I know that being the assistant to such an important woman is a huge honor, but it's hard to no longer feel any ownership for what I do. I suppose this will change a little as I get more involved in Deborah's research, and as I begin to take more responsibility in the office.

Today, Deborah noticed that I misspelled "Procter & Gamble" on a contract I sent to them, which is obviously really unprofessional and embarrassing. She was upset, of course, and I was really mad at myself about it, too. I don't know why I keep making small errors like this; I feel like I never made editing mistakes at Mimi's. Just the opposite, in fact- I was in charge of editing for both stores!

Some days I feel like I could spend all my time explaining myself, except I really can't think of much to say in defense of my mistakes. I just keep making them, which isn't me... is it?