Ignore this if you don't want to hear me whine

There have been times in my life when I thought I'd like to go back and relive experiences because I missed them so much. I remember after college wishing I could start at the beginning, but ultimately realized that I was glad I had finished and I didn't actually, really want to relive all of it again.

Now, I'm beginning to understand that it must actually be over with Nate, because every part of me wishes I could go back and have each experience I had with him over again, with no thought for the future or for the ways it would set me back in my life. I wish I could live on a circuit, where I just replay the two years we had together in Ithaca, and even the year we had together after I moved. I wouldn't even necessarily change anything to make it better, although I can say definitively that none of it was perfect. I just want it again. And again, and again.

I took this picture off my nightstand today.  Little by little I've tried to remove pieces of him from my life; I hide the miscellaneous tee shirts in bins beneath my bed, I slip birthday cards into the pages of books I've already read. I'm just hoping that I won't accidentally unearth them until I'm ready to throw them out. But that thought in itself- that I want that moment to come, that I want to forget him absolutely- makes my heart hurt.